This Side of Eternity
by Raven Sinead
Summary: Let them call me a tortured angel. Let the galaxy over rally at my name, if they must. Let me be carved in stone and only the best of my words remembered. Let them take what they need because I...I can't give anymore. Sequel to "This Side of Yesterday" and "This Side of Tomorrow" - **TEMPORARY HIATUS BECAUSE MY MUSE IS AN EVIL WITCH. I'LL BE BACK. I PROMISE.**
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to BioWare and EA. I own nothing.**

 _ **Author's Note:**_ _So, the instant I threaten to take a break, my muse throws a cocktail in my face and laughs at me. However, she and I both agree that it's time I get back to the last chapter of this trilogy. There will be more mysteries to suss out, and I kindly ask that time be given and other theories thought out. In a galaxy of intrigue, nothing is what it seems. With that in mind, it is now my greatest joy and pleasure to greet you with the first chapter of_ _This Side of Eternity._

 _Bright Blessings,_

 _~Raven_

* * *

 **Thessia**

In the stunned silence, Zhira watched the years. They flew past her amethyst eyes like comets streaking across the sky. She could feel the tension rising in the air. The confusion. The tears. The as-yet unspoken accusations. She did not want to do this. She did not wish to rend time asunder and damage it, perhaps even irreparably. But, she knew that the wound she opened was not new.

No. This scar in time was centuries old, torn by actions necessary for survival. She did not know if those actions, that rationale, still possessed their inception's necessity, but that did not matter. The words had been spoken, the beginnings of a convoluted truth. Much like the time that stitched the truth together from destinies, fates, and wars, three hearts could be made anew…or torn asunder.

* * *

 _"Did I make the right decision?" Zhira asks, looking to the broken stars, to the destruction surrounding…the destruction from which no planet escaped. Even now, the ghosts of war are dancing. Even now, the cries of the dead still ring, hanging in the still air as the galaxy attempts to breathe free._

 _"You can't be asking yourself that now."_

 _"Can't I?" Zhira questions her actions and herself yet again…it is perhaps the first time she has done so._

 _It will not be the last. There will be no end to these questions, even years going by and time seen to its resolution and resolve will answer nothing. Questions of the heart are often so. They are murderers in their own right. She knows this. She knows that asking is perhaps slow suicide, but that does not stop her from speaking the words into the galaxy, carefully inflected with meaning and emotion._

 _"You did the only thing you could do, given the circumstances."_

 _"I made it as though it didn't happen." Zhira protests. "But it_ _ **did**_ _happen and I do not…I do not want to forget that. I want to keep all of what happened close and dear and_ _ **never**_ _forget and never surrender and yet it seems…it seems as though I've given all of it away."_

 _"It's still in your mind, Zhira. Just as much as it's in hers. Just because there won't be a record of it stamped somewhere in the damn electro-circuitry of the galaxy or splashed on the extranet doesn't mean it didn't happen."_

 _Zhira knows she's hearing wisdom. She knows that she is hearing the truth. She knows that her questions are petty and perhaps even pathetic. The entire galaxy was nearly erased from existence and memory, and here she stands grieving for the stupidest and simplest of things. But it had_ _ **hurt**_ _. It hurt worse than the moment when her mother fired the bullet and ripped across her neck, leaving a scar-weal of remembrance that made her aspire to be something_ _ **better**_ _than the T'Aryn name._

 _"I don't know." She whispers, the words sounding like a death-knell in her own mind. She made her decision. To un-make it now would be paramount to…to murder. "I feel as though I took the greatest of loves and…and threw it away."_

 _"How in the void do you think you managed to do that?"_

 _"Because she doesn't know." Zhira laments. "She doesn't know and when she does…when she does, Aethyta, it is going to_ _ **kill**_ _her."_

 _The matriarch, Zhira's friend, mentor, and savior, offers her characteristic smirk. "Those might be the stupidest words that ever came out of your mouth, kid."_

 _Zhira's eyes fill with tears. She allows them to feel. It is a time for weakness, now. It is a time for sorrow. Only a fool would refuse to acknowledge the brokenness of the world…the brokenness of every soul. No one had lost nothing. At this moment in time, every race, every people, were united in their desperate search to claim_ _ **something**_ _undamaged. Zhira knows the truth. All the grasping hands will find nothing. Including her own._

 _"She won't understand." Zhira breathes. "I have…I have_ _ **stolen**_ _from her, Aethyta. I've taken what was her right and that…that can't be undone."_

 _"Regardless, she'll forgive you for it." Aethyta claims, and Zhira can but pray that it is the truth. Though, now, she does not know to whom she prays. The Goddess has fallen. Been proven a myth. Been taken from the asari as surely as Thessia was razed. "I already have."_

 _"That doesn't matter." Zhira claims, adamant. "You aren't_ _ **her**_ _."_

 _"No, but she's part of_ _ **me**_ _." Aethyta asserts. "And if my girl knows anything, she knows…" the matriarch pauses, perhaps feeling grief of her own, though she has stood stalwart in the galaxy's darkest days. "…she knows how to lose. How to let go. You taught her that."_

 _"I never wanted her to have to use that knowledge again." Zhira whispers through the curtain of her tears. "But, I suppose, there was no stopping it. I cannot change my mind, and I cannot undo this, and I…" She looks at the matriarch, her friend, her confidant, her source of wisdom, "…I have to say good-bye."_

 _"I know." Aethyta nods, her eyes filled with the hard-earned wisdom of centuries. Most of her age and rank were deluded, believing themselves so high above the universe that pain could touch them no longer. Unlike them, Aethyta feels sorrow ripping through her. Zhira shares no biology with her, but she is as dear to the matriarch as her own daughters._

 _"Will you tell her…if she wakes…will you tell her I am sorry?" Zhira knows that she is pleading, but she has no pride left to lose. She gave it away the minute the anesthetic entered her system, sending her into the sleep of an irrevocable decision._

 _"I will." Aethyta promises._

 _"Thank you, Aethyta." Zhira does not reach out. She does not clasp her friend's hand. She does not indulge in a final embrace. She does what she knows how to do all too well._

 _She walks away from her family. She carries a great burden and blessing. She destroys a great love._

* * *

"Mother." A hand rested on her shoulder, jarring her from the pain of her memory. "Mother, please." Zhira looked into her daughter's beautiful, strange eyes. She saw the pain therein. Pain of body and pain of soul…the pain only a confusion so deep could cause. Her heart broke anew. "Mother, please, I do not understand."

Zhira heard her daughter's unspoken words as she always had.

 _Please help me. Please tell me. I cannot make sense of this new world, this wound ripped in time and the truth itself. Guide me, I beg of you._

"Will you listen, heartlight?" Zhira asked, holding up her hand before Sen spoke once more. "Will you listen to the tale in its entirety, and subdue all judgment until such a time as…as the whole truth is revealed?"

Zhira watched her daughter struggle. She knew Sen's need was great. She knew the words she had spoken, the most hidden of revelations, would tax the soul of the one she loved most in the world. Her body was already damaged, already in such pain. Could her heart endure more?

 _Yes_.

The word did not come from Zhira's mind, or Sen's mouth. The matron looked around the room, wondering who might have spoken, for the answer to her unvoiced question was so definite and concrete that, in Zhira's heart, she felt a strange peace. Her daughter could bear it…she could bear the truth, and more. She could bear her mother's sins and secrets…but…but could she forgive them?

 _Yes_. The answer came again from nowhere, firm, calm, and still. _It's in her blood_.

"I will." Sen promised, and Zhira smiled, simply because she knew, after this tale was told, she might never know that expression again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thessia**

Sunrise found Liara standing on the balcony attached to her room. She looked down onto the expansive, pristine, manicured grounds, finding her eyes drawn further out. She gazed toward the wild Thessian Sea, and the sun cresting over the top of the water. She loved the sunrise…for as long as she could remember, she loved the sunrise. To watch something so immutable, powerful, and indestructible…yes. That was the word for it. Even the Reapers, with all their power and might, their millennia of knowledge comprised and passed down, had never destroyed the bright stars that warmed the planets that orbited them.

 _The energy of such stars has been harvested,_ she thought, _but even we, with all of our technological advances, have not yet been able to destroy such a thing. A thing full of beauty and power. Something truly invincible._

The Shadow Broker's heart cracked beneath the force of her thoughts. There were other things in which she had believed. Other things that she _knew_ beyond doubt's shadow could not be destroyed, could not be moved, pierced, or damaged in any way. She was proven wrong…time and time again, she was proven wrong by the brutality of the universe, which took as it wished and left survivors behind, wondering how what they knew to be the strongest force in the world had been taken.

She hung her head, the events of the past days crashing down on her with a fury. Her friend, Sen, lay injured, beaten badly by a man who could not evict the demons of his past from his mind. Her bones had been broken, her flesh torn open, and her blood spilled in a madman's revenge against others of her same race who had betrayed him and forced him to watch those he cared for cut down. Edward Dorsen could not forgive the past and Sen was the one to pay.

Anger coiled in Liara's heart like a serpent ready to strike, and she regretted the promise she gave the physician who recovered now in the safety of Liara's own home. The promise to let Dorsen go and be with his daughter and take her back to Earth chafed at her with its wrongness. She did not wish to do so. He damaged someone close to her, and forced the breaking of a promise made centuries ago. She did not wish to forgive him for that, but she gave her word. She made a promise. Liara T'Soni did not break her promises.

The sun grew brighter by the moment, reminding the matron that time moved on, unforgiving and demanding and perfect. Though she had not slept, Liara knew that this sun rose upon a new day, a day without the mistakes of the other, with the chance to mend what was torn, to repair that which was damaged. In spite of that knowing, her mistakes also bore consequences, mending took a great deal more time than tearing, and sometimes…sometimes things, beautiful and precious, could not be repaired.

She knew that the time would come. She would enter her home once more, eat, drink, and do the things necessary and required for living. It would be the same as it had for the last three centuries, but only for an hour. Then, she would have to, as the human term went, face the music. She would be forced to see the questions in Sen's eyes…a gaze that caused her such pain whenever she looked upon it. She would be forced to tell this story before Zhira, the asari, the friend who gave her so much and yet…yet stole everything from her.

 _A necessary theft,_ Liara reminded herself. _Just as there can be a necessary death, or a necessary evil. At times, the horror of life cannot be avoided. But it can be lessened. Perhaps even forgiven._

In spite of the words Liara had left for the former Councilor Tevos, she still suffered no delusions. In no way were the secrets of the past so deeply buried and kept so secret that their unearthing would leave the galaxy undamaged. A story lived within her heart, a memory within her mind, seared onto the pages of her soul…it could change everything. It could destroy everything, and that with ease. All it took was the belief of a few who would proclaim it loud and with pride and without fear for the consequence.

As she always did, Liara looked back into her past, wondering what Serena would say to her in this moment. If she would have words of wisdom, or if she would simply sit back, smile, and laugh at Liara's ridiculousness. Liara smiled at the memory of her great love, wishing that, for just the next days, she might borrow her Shepard's fearlessness. For all of her years, for all that she bore witness to within them, Liara still knew fear as a companion, ever-present, ever-close.

"Even gone, can I beg you for some measure of your strength?" Liara spoke to the soul no longer with her, gone for so long, so very long, yet still so present in her life. So close, some days, that Liara almost believed she could reach out and touch the beloved phantom of her mind and heart.

Tears filled her eyes and spilled down her cheeks, burning her. That strength, that love, her Shepard…one of the things she once believed invincible…the memory of it still caused pain. A pain more bitter than sweet. A pain still powerful enough that facing it even now brought tears to her eyes. The pain of a past twisted and convoluted and made into a series of lie upon lie upon lie. One of the greatest lies ever told was the tale of the Savior of the Galaxy. Liara had seen the vids, the talented actors who had portrayed Serena Shepard for the galaxy on a screen that could never recapture the abject terror of those fraught days. They were wrong. They were _all_ wrong.

Liara sighed and fortified herself with a last glance towards the rising sun, towards the emblem of forgiveness for the day. It would be easier to walk away now, to say nothing and let the lies clung to by history paint the rest of the picture for Sen. But she could not do that. Thus far, she had told the cardiologist the truth. She relayed the stories of herself and Serena, speaking always of the fire in the commander's voice, the resolve in her actions, the kindness of the soldier's heart. In every tale, Shepard was portrayed as a bastion of strength, the shoulders broad enough to hold the galaxy. It was true…to a point.

The door closed behind Liara with a foreboding _thud_. The tales of Shepard's strength were past, the last one hanging in the air, waiting to be spoken, _needing_ to be told. Serena Shepard died a hero, Liara knew this…but she knew one thing more, one thing never shared by any, but known by all who served aboard the Normandy. Serena Shepard died a hero…and a woman broken.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thessia**

Sen stared at her mother, attempting to process the words she heard, the promise she herself made. The aches and pains of her body dimmed beneath the onslaught of a hundred thousand questions. It could not be true…could it? How could she be the daughter of the Savior of the Galaxy? How could she have never, in three hundred years, discovered the secret of her heritage and…and why now? Why now, after a series of coincidences that brought her to this moment?

For a moment, Sen wished she had not turned around when the nurse chased her down and presented her with a patient's chart…Liara T'Soni. The asari who had quickly become a friend and mentor…her mother's friend, or so they would have her believe. Sen did not understand how a friendship could survive over three hundred years of silence and for…for her to be Shepard's daughter and to have come from Zhira's womb…she did not understand. She could not be certain that she _wished_ to understand.

All around her, she could feel her world crumbling. All of the truths she believed without question were now flashing through her mind. She did not know if she could trust anything, or anyone. In some distant part of her consciousness, she realized a terrible truth…that she could know more of the truth in Edward Dorsen's brutal beating than she might ever learn from her mother, the life-giver sitting before her now. She knew it would be so easy to see the truth…she could ask for a meld, ask to see the memories in their unaltered state but…

"Do I have to hear this?" Sen asked, her voice emerging on a quiver of uncertainty. "Is this not something I can…something you could show me?"

"Would you want that, Sen?" Her mother questioned in return. "Would you want to feel the events as they unfold? Would you be capable of withstanding the raw emotion and the horrific brutality of that time? I know you have seen death, my daughter, but have you seen it on such a grandiose scale; have you smelled the stench of rotting corpses and run by them, unable to honor the dead for there is simply not enough time?"

Sen felt blood draining from her face, leaving her paler and colder, if that were possible. Even though she spent years as a trauma surgeon, repairing garish and ghastly injuries, she'd never seen what her mother spoke of. There had been nothing for the last three hundred years save small conflicts and the occasional terrorist cells of fools whose stupidity and ideology would never perish, regardless of the advancements made.

Sen knew that, since the Reaper War, there had been no grand galactic conflicts. Many had forgotten, but the asari and, oddly, the krogan, kept the memories of that horrific time alive and present, reminding the shorter-lived races of the horrors and waste of war on such a scale. There had been centuries of relative peace…peace in Sen's time. All of it the gift of the woman that was myth, legend, and reality…and the other half, if her mother spoke the truth, of Sen's genetics.

"No." Sen answered, muted, humbled. "I have no desire to…to see such things. I just…I want to know. I _need_ to understand, mother."

Sen watched as Zhira winced at the term…something she had never done before, and the physician wondered how deep this secret ran, how far back this pain extended. The asari before her looked so far away, so different from the one Sen knew from her first breath and leaned on for support and guidance and love.

A knock at the door startled them both. Sen's heart began pounding in her chest. Her three hundred and thirty-six years of life were about to be irrevocably changed. Her beginning had to be so different from what she believed, and the question of her parentage, which Zhira had carefully deflected each and every time, would be answered.

"Come in." She called and the door opened, revealing Liara…Liara, who was now a part of Sen's history in a way she did not know, nor could she fathom. The questions arose in her mind again, a clamor seeking for the truth, the burning need for knowledge greater than the pain of her beaten body.

Liara pulled a chair from the corner of the room to Sen's bedside and sat down. The matron looked more weary than Sen had ever seen. Her gaze flitted between Liara and Zhira, seeing the pain in both of their gazes as they looked at each other. For a moment, her resolve wavered. She cared for the two of them, deeply. Her lips parted and she nearly spoke, nearly told them that she did not need the truth if it would do nothing but harm them. In spite of the confusion, bewilderment, and wondering, there lay in her heart a love for both of them. Without Liara, Sen never would have managed to make it through Mira's injury…the elder asari had imparted so much wisdom, given her so much history already…had Liara not suffered enough? Had not her own mother, whose amethyst eyes spoke silently to Liara with a pain so eloquent it transcended description?

"Do not say what you are thinking." Liara looked to her, offering words of counsel. "Though it warms my heart to see that you care for us…there are things you must know, things that you _deserve_ to know."

"You have given me the story of your life, Liara." Sen protested. "You've granted me entrance into your deepest pain, and I have not the right to ask you to venture further in…not for my sake. A simple truth will suffice, I swear it."

Liara smiled, soft, sad…with a touch of pride in her azure eyes that Sen did not yet understand. "Brave as you are, I know your words are a lie." Liara whispered. "Once, I believed the same…I believed what the asari teach, that the second half of our parentage is nothing but an amalgamation of genetic material, that we are nothing of our second parentage, that the womb from which we are born dictates all that we inherit. I believed that to be true, for many years, until I met my father. You deserve the entirety of the truth, Sen…it is not simple…" Sen watched as Zhira reached out, taking Liara's hand in her own and offering her strength. "It could never be simple. But the complexity of it can be translated, if you will give me the ability to do so."

"I will." Sen promised again, stricken by the sorrow in Liara's gaze, though her eyes shone with the same, inexplicable emotion of regret and pride that they had so often over the course of their friendship.

Liara breathed deep and closed her eyes, preparing to bare her soul and unearth her secrets. "There are many who believe that this story begins from the day that the Reapers invaded the Sol system and attacked Earth. For many of us, the beginning of that year of horror did arrive at that moment. However, for Shepard and myself, the end of the world began earlier…the end of the world began with a kiss of farewell." Liara breathed deep again, gathering her strength. "For the asari, a kiss is a simple thing, a symbol of love, a conduit of pleasure and connection. It is the same for humans too, save that a kiss has dual meaning for them. It is a sign of a promise made—it is also a symbol of betrayal…"


	4. Chapter 4

**Liara**

I sat, staring at the myriad screens before me, reading reports from agents spread all across the galaxy. My eyes traced the words and translated them, but I knew, later, that I would have to re-read them. Important as these reports were, they were not foremost in my mind, not what I cared about, and not what held the full measure of my attention, contemplation, and thought. Even sitting, my hands were clenched into fists, my nails biting into my palms with every flex of muscle. The words before me smeared to an unimportant blur.

"You're still angry." Came a voice from the door, solid and sure, calm and, often, comforting. It did not comfort me now. I raised my head and glared at Shepard, letting her read the fury still present in my eyes. "Don't even try to kick me out, Liara." She said. "Even if I came back later, you'd still be furious."

"Be that as it may, there's no need to foist your presence on me now, especially with it being so unwanted." I insisted, staring down at my reports again, though they meant as little as they had before she spoke, if not less. "I have work to do, if you don't mind."

"I have work to do too." Shepard replied, her voice echoing over the cold, metallic floors of the Shadow Broker's ship. My ship. My new home. "But you didn't see me glowing blue and yelling at you when you went to do yours. Why is mine any different?"

"Would you like an itemized list?" I snarled between gritted teeth, knowing that Shepard would push the issue between us until something broke. It had been so between us from the beginning. I did not wish to be the one who broke. Not this time. Not again. Not until she realized what she was _doing_ to me.

Shepard leaned against the doorway, opened her omni-tool, and extended it out to me. "Here's Miranda's." She quipped. "Would you like to compare and contrast?"

"Do me the favor of not trivializing my concerns." I hissed, sending a code from my console to Shepard's omni-tool, shutting it down remotely. "Ever since the Normandy's return from the Omega Four relay, and _your_ return from the edge of death, I have been keeping watch. It is not just Cerberus looking for you, Serena. The Alliance is actively seeking you as well. Cerberus has done with you what they did when they were searching for your body, and contracting with bounty hunters of any race. You have a price on your head, and you are wanting to _leave_ the _one_ safe place for you in the galaxy?"

"Liara," Shepard's voice lost its insouciant edge. She pushed off of the wall and walked closer to me, her silver eyes burning with all the gravitas and emotion they bore when we spoke of difficult things…or made love. The expression upon her features and the light within her eyes was mine alone. It made me tremble down to my very core. "I'm not doing this for me."

"No." I sniped, unwilling to let the fire burning in her gaze subdue me beneath the power of our love, our connection. "You are doing this for Admiral Steven Hackett of the Alliance, which baffles me, Shepard. You would leave safety for the sake of the very man who might have signed the orders to hunt you down and bring you in?"

"No, god…fuck. No." Shepard ran her hand through her hair and the light of the screens caught the new scar splashed across her face, highlighting the missing lobe of her ear…she'd lost it here, in this very room, helping me subdue the Shadow Broker. "I don't want to do this for _him_." She stressed the word. "I'm doing this for _us_ , Liara. For me. And for you. Hackett's word carries a lot of weight, and I _did_ work for Cerberus for a good year, there. Was it worth what I've learned? Fuck yes. But it wasn't worth anything else, as everyone else on the Normandy, who defected with me of their own free will, knows. Now, I've got Karin Chakwas as a character witness, and if I do this one thing for Hackett, then I might not get courts martialed."

"You speak as though you want to go back to the Alliance." I said, rising from my seat and moving to where she stood, in the middle of the room…the room that, for me, still held the echoes of that conflict and reminded me of the pain in my spirit as I, once more, fought alongside the woman who taught me what it was to fight for the right reasons. "Is that truly what you wish to do?"

"Yes." The word sliced across the space between us, chilling me to the bone. "But not because I want to be a soldier. Not because I want to fly through space and not because I want to shoot people. You _know_ me, Liara. I don't want any of those things. But I _know_ the Reapers are coming. And I can no more sit here with you and wait it out than you could. Be honest with me, Liara, when they come, as you _know_ they will, will you stay in this ship and do nothing while worlds burn?"

"Of course not, but I…"

"Then why are you fighting me on this?" Shepard asked, her tone lacking anger, lacking heat, lacking anything but her love for me and her logic, in which I could find no flaw, no matter the desperation with which I tried. "I have two choices, _alaínn anam_. I either fight with the Alliance or I fight with Cerberus, and I'd rather let a fucked up military with _good_ people in it have me than a group that wanted me to keep a Reaper to study it so they could figure out indoctrination and use it on the whole goddamn galaxy to put humans on top." She drew closer to me, smelling as she always did, of vanilla and gun oil. "I don't want that world, Liara."

"And I do not want to lose you." I whispered as I leaned into her strength and felt her arms wrap around me, my security and my fortress. "I am terrified of losing you again, Serena. You do not know how much…"

"Yes, I do." Her voice whispered across my crest as she cupped my cheek and drew my eyes to hers. "I see it in your tears when we sleep beside each other. I hear it in your voice when the nightmares make you weep. But we both know the true danger is coming. And we've already seen that, as it comes to the Reapers, the Council is useless and Cerberus, the only other organization that wants anything to do with them, is too dangerous. So, please, let me do what I can to make amends. Let me do this thing for Hackett, and try to suss out the rest of what went wrong after I died. The most important thing is right in front of me."

"All right." I understood her words, and I did not want to cause her pain. She would leave regardless of my wishes. I knew it was better to let her go with my encouragement than with my anger. "But I will ask you for the promise you would not give me when we came together again. Just for this time, Serena, promise me that you will come back. Promise me that you will do this thing for Hackett and come back to me. We can negotiate from here, so that the Alliance does not find you and bury you beneath a millennia of paperwork and red tape, and so that you will be safe from Cerberus as well. Will you do that, at least?"

Shepard smiled and her eyes filled with love and another emotion…pride. Pride in the words I spoke, pride in the fact that we stood together against all odds, loving and in love. I felt that self-same thing, and wondered if it were as easily read in my gaze as in hers.

"Just this once." She nodded her agreement. "I promise."

I said nothing further, merely clung to her, knowing that soon she would depart the safety of this ship for a galaxy that wanted her, dead or alive. I would do what I could from where I sat to keep either organization from finding her. She may have once belonged to the Alliance, and then to Cerberus, but neither of them had claim on her now. Serena Shepard was _mine_ and, if I could make it lie within my power, _nothing_ would happen to her.

The embrace ended and Shepard pulled back, Once again, her hand cupped my cheek, and my heart ached in my chest as she leaned down and sealed her promise. With a kiss.


	5. Chapter 5

**Liara**

I could not describe the emotions that filled me when I watched the Normandy fly away. Through the lightning storms perpetually over the planet, I kept my gaze fixed to the ship until I could no longer see it. My heart felt cold in my chest. It had not been so long ago when Miranda Lawson hailed me and begged for refuge and a place to tend to the wounded when they came back from the relay. Once again, I had been forced to watch over my lover as she lay on the brink of death.

I understood Shepard's reasons for leaving. I allowed it, but…but I wanted to be with her in the way I'd been when first we met. I longed to be on board that ship with her, facing the hardships and the battles and the pain. My place was by her side, to be her refuge and her strength and her shield. It was still too early for me to leave. Through murder, I gained an empire, an empire with an empress who sometimes looked at the magnitude of all her rank contained and trembled with the fear of the unknown.

 _In many ways,_ I thought as I continued to stare out the window, though the Normandy was no longer in view, _I am still that naïve archaeologist that Shepard rescued in the mines of Therum. Now, I run the greatest criminal empire in the galaxy. My name is feared. I am both myth and legend, but…but all I want is to be Liara T'Soni, lover of Commander Shepard._

That wish, however seemed as though it was not meant to be. I loved a soldier and, at the end of the day, Serena could be nothing but that…nothing but _her_ definition of a soldier. That definition frightened me, perhaps more than anything else ever had. Because of my time on the Normandy, I had seen many soldiers. The sole similarities between all of them were the uniforms they wore and the oath they made when entering military service. I could not speak for every soldier, of course, but I could speak of those I knew.

Some soldiers were like Ashley Williams. They swore their oath because it was their family tradition, one in which they believed upholding, continuing in honor of their ancestors. Other soldiers were like Executive Officer Pressly of the Normandy SR-1. He swore his oath because he needed an occupation, and a way to get out from under the tightened fist of his horrific father. Of all of those in uniform I had met, of all of the stories I heard, I had met _no_ soldier like Serena Shepard.

 _No soldier I have ever met thinks so often about peace. No soldier I knew begs for there to be a world where no soldier is needed. There is no other soldier who would do what I have seen Shepard do...and despise themselves for it. So very often, she is in the right of the situation but…but that makes no difference to her. She still suffers with every life taken._

I shook my head and turned away from the window, returning to my office and the work that would never end. My thoughts were unwelcome company as a cold knot settled in the pit of my stomach. As a soldier, Serena had been taking lives for over ten years, and still she suffered from her actions, new and old. Three years had gone by during which I'd held a weapon, during which I'd taken lives…I felt no remorse. I remembered so very few names and faces. Even when I did, they did not haunt me in my dreams. Not any longer.

* * *

 **Days Later**

 _[I have to admit, you don't look so good.]_ Zhira's voice crackled over the comms. _[Are you taking care of yourself, Li? Did something happen, besides the obvious, of course?]_

My friend smiled at me and I shook my head. "It is simply the obvious." I explained. "Feron is making certain that I eat, but other than that…" I trailed off and saw empathy in Zhira's amethyst eyes.

 _[You're doing what you do when you worry.]_ Zhira shrugged. _[Which is throw yourself into work. You mean there's been no word from Shepard? Not even a quick message?]_

"No." I sounded exhausted, even to my own hearing. "There's been no communication at all. To be fair, I've been so busy that I've not sent a message either but…but I'm afraid."

Zhira smiled and I knew that, were she standing next to me, she would wrap her arm around my waist and allow me to rest my head on her shoulder for comfort. _[Well, you have reason to be.]_ She told me. _[The last time she left you, she came back in critical condition. It makes sense for you to be worried, Liara, and as long as you aren't hounding her about it or endangering her with incessant attempts at communication, I am quite certain she will keep her promise and come back to you.]_

I offered my friend a weak smile in return. She always knew the proper things to say in order to impart comfort. And comfort was something I so desperately needed here, in the most secure, hidden place in the galaxy. My surroundings were efficient, but austere, and I had no one for companionship now that the Normandy was gone. It felt odd to walk through the halls and hear no voices. Even Glyph, the VI, had commented on the silence that pressed in all around us.

"Thank you, Zhira." I whispered, and she winked, such a singularly human gesture that it made me smile and long for my Shepard all the more.

 _Just a word, Serena. All I need from you is a word._

I heard the mumble of a public announcement system in the background and Zhira looked up, her eyes scanning something before looking back to her omni-tool screen.

 _[It's what friends are for. I have to go now, Li. The transport is boarding. I'll let you know when we reach Earth.]_

"Go in safety, Zhira." I bade her. She nodded and disconnected the link.

I sat down and sighed, tapping my foot on the floor in a rapid staccato beat. I did not like being this way. I did not like my own heart wrapped so entirely up with another's that worry gnawed at me every moment they were gone. The last few days had seen the restfulness of my slumber decrease and the number of fearful dreams rocket skyward. I leaned back in my chair and closed my eyes, willing the soothing sounds of the ship in motion to lull me into a short period of rest. An hour or so spent resting would do no harm, and it would keep Feron from nagging at me in his over-protective manner.

I closed my eyes when my omni-tool beeped, alerting me to a call on my private channel. My throat tightened and my heart fell into my stomach. Two people alone knew of this chanel, and I'd stopped speaking with one of the mere moments ago. I opened the screen and engaged a video call, shocked by what I saw.

On the other end of the connection, I saw Shepard. Her face was paler than I remembered, the still-dark slice of scar tissue across it standing out in stark counterpoint. Her eyes were ringed by dark circles that looked more like bruises. Her lips were chapped, her hair lank, and the silver of her eyes looked dull grey. Lifeless. Listless. Cold.

"Shepard?" I asked through the knot in my throat. "Shepard, can you hear me? Is everything all right?"

 _Are you injured? Are you hurt? Please come back, come home, let me see you. I need to see you and take care of you, I need to make sure you are okay._

 _[I can hear you, Liara.]_ Shepard's voice sounded haggard and rough, as if she had been barking orders across a battlefield. _[I'm sorry,_ _**alaínn anam**. Everything's not all right.]_


	6. Chapter 6

**Liara**

I felt cold bands of steel wrap around my heart, constricting the muscle's every beat. In the background, my screens began flashing, the speakers rang with choppy static sounds. I looked to my galaxy map, only to see that the Bahak system had gone…had gone dark. Confusion swirled in my mind as the patches of static coalesced to a dull roar and the lights flashing and the voice of Glyph repeating.

"Shadow Broker, there are no signs of life from agent Alpha Seven, Delta Two, Foxtrot Thirteen, and Tango Four. I repeat, there are no signs of life. No signs of life. No signs of life…"

"Shepard, what happened?" I demanded, hearing the caustic edge of fear in my voice, threatening to take over everything.

Her silver eyes pierced me across the vid-link and the cacophony of digital sounds blaring behind me faded in the ferocity of her gaze. I remained still, letting all of my alarms shriek, letting Glyph repeat his terrifying report ad nauseam. I did not know what had happened, but I did know that the reason for it sat before me, star systems away, a pain in her eyes so deep that I swore I could see her soul bleeding in the dulled grey…a blade still sharper than any in the galaxy.

 _[Hackett asked me to go to the Bahak system to rescue Doctor Amanda Kenson from a batarian prison. I didn't know what I was looking at, so I went in solo.]_ Her words were dry and lifeless, like the chill of a bitter wind. _[I found Kenson and got her out. Turns out she's an Alliance doctor out of Arcturus Station. They found a Reaper artifact in the system.]_

The frost around my heart spread further, venturing from the pit of my stomach down into my legs, freezing me to my spot as reports came in from my operatives all across the galaxy. Behind me lay a maelstrom of questions, wonderings, I heard a masculine voice shouting about the state of the Bahak system, an almost incoherent scream of an inquiry about a wife and child. I could do nothing but stare at the haggard face of the woman I loved and listen.

 _[Kenson…Kenson took me to the project base, where she and her team were studying the artifact. They had it wide out in the open, Liara. There was fuck all I could do…Kenson seemed reasonable until then…the same kind of reasonable that…the same kind…]_

Her eyes sparked, but not with the righteous anger I knew so well, not with the zeal of a soldier who took weapon in hand to save lives. No. Her eyes sparked with tears…the tears of someone with conscience who was responsible for…responsible for so much death, so much destruction.

"The same kind of reasonable that Benezia seemed, before she broke away." I spoke of my mother where Shepard could not, and realized that, even two years removed, even after death and being reawakened, Serena still felt sorrow over the actions taken that resulted in the loss of my mother.

 _How much more can her soul endure?_ I wondered. _How much pain can you amass in such a short lifespan. Eighty to one-hundred and twenty years…that is nothing to an asari but it is all most humans ever realize. Surely not all of them know this level of pain, this manner of loss and destruction…surely they cannot…they would all perish from the weight of an invisible burden._

"Was she indoctrinated, Shepard?" I asked, attempting to lead my lover down the path of this story, whose pain and ghosts I could see already looming in her gaze.

 _[Yeah.]_ Serena sounded tired, defeated, and more soul-weary than I had ever seen her. _[Yeah, she was fucking indoctrinated. When I realized what she was doing, that she was_ _ **preventing**_ _us from stopping the Reaper's arrival, I did what I had to do but…but they overpowered me.]_

The word "overpowered" struck me as odd and I frowned. "Shepard, are you well? Are you physically hurt?"

 _[She wouldn't let them kill me.]_ Shepard's tone darkened. _[She wanted me kept alive. They always want me_ _ **alive**_ _.]_

Her words sent shivers down my spine. They made it seem as though she did not wish to _be_ alive, as though she wanted to close her eyes and never open them again. In spite of the frigid metal bands encasing my heart with an emotion that could be known only as dread, I felt the organ begin to race. Blood pounded through my veins and I clenched my hands into a fist. I could not force her to speak, but I needed to know. I needed to know so that I could answer the questions blaring behind me with more urgency and fervor.

 _[I found out from Joker…Kenson kept me sedated for two days. When I woke up the Reapers were an hour from arriving through the Alpha Relay in the Bahak system. I didn't have a choice, Liara.]_ Her voice cracked. _[I have to follow through on what Kenson's plan was from the beginning. I…I crashed an asteroid into the Alpha Relay.]_

I went deaf to the noise surrounding me. I stared at Shepard, feeling my lips parting in shock, horror, and fear. For centuries, we'd believed the mass relays to be indestructible. But with enough propulsive power, a sizeable asteroid would…it would be able to commit such an act of destruction. However, the mass effect energy that would be released upon the relay's destruction…

 _Goddess…_

"Shepard…"

 _[I made a decision, Liara.]_ Shepard's words were hollow, devoid of the emotion I knew she was drowning in. _[I made a decision that ended over three hundred thousand lives. The Bahak system is…it's gone. But I did what I had to do, Liara. I bought us some time. The Council still doesn't believe the Reapers are a threat. If they ever thought so, our return from the Omega relay lulled them into some sort of idiotic stupor. I had to kill three hundred thousand people to make them see…worse is coming.]_

"Serena…" I reached out and touched the screen, wishing more than anything that I could be there with her; that I could take her in my arms and let her weep the tears she would share with me alone. No one, human, asari, krogan, turian, salarian…not even a _vorcha_ could live with that much blood on their hands. How much less so could my Shepard, who suffered enough already, who had borne the pain of seven lifetimes already. "Serena, where are you?" I asked, making the decision. "Tell me, and I will come to you. Keep the Normandy safe and just…give me your coordinates. I'll be there as soon as…"

 _[You can't, Liara.]_ Shepard's words struck me like a bullet. _[This isn't something I can hide from, even over Hagalaz. Miranda, Jack, Samara, Thane, Tali, Grunt, Kasumi, Zaeed, and Grunt are already gone. I tried to make everyone else leave too but…but Chakwas and Joker refused. Hackett's on his way, Liara. I'm afraid…I'm afraid I can't keep my promise,_ _ **alaínn anam.**_ _I'm afraid I won't be coming back to you.]_

"Don't be foolish, Shepard!" I shouted, remembering the memories she showed me, memories of her courts martial, when the Alliance attempted to blame her for the massacre at Akuze. I would not let the military take her and imprison the sole soldier they had with any goddess-damned _sense_. "I can get you out of this, you _know_ I can!"

 _[Liara, even the Shadow Broker can't resurrect a star system.]_ The pain in her voice struck me like the fangs of a serpent, sharp and piercing. I watched as glittering tears began to fall from her eyes. She was alone, I realized. Alone and speaking to me…perhaps for the last time. _[I have to answer for this.]_ I knew her honor spoke for her, and I loved her even as I despised her for it. _[If I don't take the fall, the Batarian Hegemony will use this as an excuse to begin a war with humanity that we can't afford. The Reapers_ _ **are**_ _coming…we'll all need to ally with each other against them. So let them think that Commander Serena Shepard went off and used this opportunity to get revenge on the race that obliterated Mindoir. I'll be all right. Hackett isn't unreasonable…he believes me. It won't…it won't be so bad.]_

"Stop lying to comfort me." Tears of my own were falling now. She would be taken from me. She would be taken away to answer for her crimes…crimes she had been forced to commit. "They could…they could execute you for this. You already committed treason, Shepard. You…you worked for Cerberus! You were, for all they care, a terrorist in the galactic community! They could…they could so easily make a martyr of you! You realize that, don't you? You realize that you could lose _everything_ by answering for this!?"

 _[I'm not a fool, Liara.]_ Her voice whipped through my fear. _[I'm well aware of the potential punishment for this. That pales in comparison to what I just did. The necessity of the evil I perpetrated on the galaxy,]_ Her words grew rough and I watched her tears continue to fall. She grew paler as blood drained from her face, _[it makes me sick. Literally sick. I was sedated for two days…if I'd been conscious, if I'd had time I could have…fuck. I could have figured out a different way. I could have changed something but I…I fucked up. I didn't have a choice.]_

I brushed my tears from my cheeks, bewildered and in pain. She would not be returning to me. We'd only just come together again and now she was…she was leaving me and going into a future and a trial that I could not be part of. I needed to stand in front of her, to know she was all right, to pull her into my arms and somehow share this burden…all the blood on her hands…the blood of men and women and planets and stars.

 _[I don't have much time, Liara.]_ Shepard's voice pulled me from my thoughts. I looked back at the screen in time to see her succumb to a fit of coughing. She looked wan and drained, so fragile as her body bent, wracked by a vicious paroxysm. I held my breath until it ended, then felt my body go numb as I watched Shepard wipe blood from her lips.

"Serena, are you…are you all right?" I reached out and touched the screen again, as if I could somehow reach through it, touch her, reassure her, and myself, that all would be well.

 _[I'm fine.]_ Shepard muttered. _[One of the bastards got a lucky shot, hit one of my armor's weak points and broke a rib. Nicked a lung. Chakwas patched me up, but there's still some blood to clear out. I'm fine, Liara. I promise. But I…]_ I heard a crackle over the Normandy's PA system. _[…I have to go, Liara. I'm sorry I can't come back. I'll try to contact you when I get to Earth, but I'm not sure what they'll allow.]_ She reached out and touched the screen, her eyes filled with longing and remorse. _[I love you, Liara T'Soni.]_

"I love you too." I murmured, devastated when the connection went dark.

I stood at the console and leaned on it, lowering my head, attempting to process the life and the expectations now shattered. The chaos and cacophony rang in the background. Agents reporting in, numbers of losses, countless operations now rendered useless and gone awry. I needed to manage it all. I needed to…

"Glyph, have one of our agents on Earth be ready for Shepard's arrival. I need a tail on Admiral Steven Hackett as well. Whatever they're doing to her, I want to know every moment. Every word, every gesture, every clipped nose-hair. Make it happen."

"As you wish, Shadow Broker." The VI drone hovered away and I inhaled, deep, attempting to center myself.

 _There will be time to grieve and process later. For now, I must attend to the chaos caused by Shepard…all the lives lost…Goddess, please…please give her peace. Please keep her safe. Let those who will try her understand that…that she did the unthinkable in order to keep an eventuality even_ _ **more**_ _unthinkable from occurring without warning. Help her as she is judged. Let her be granted mercy._

Even as I prayed, I felt the words fall and drop, useless, to the ground. I learned many things since the day Shepard saved me from the mines of Therum. Chief among them was this…mercy, in truth, no longer existed.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Author's Note:** Hello all! I am so sorry that this update is a little late. My work schedule is quite erratic these days, so snatching writing time is a little more difficult than it used to be. In any case, I hope you enjoy this chapter, and a special thanks to those who have favorited, followed, and reviewed this story. _

_Bright Blessings,_

 _~Raven_

* * *

 **Liara**

I sat in the darkness of my room, staring at my omni-tool. I'd read the words at least forty times that day, but no matter how many times my eyes scanned the report and my mind processed it…it made it no easier. The first time I asked Shepard for a promise, she refused to grant me one. I understood why she had done so…but this time…this time she _had_ promised me. I understood all too well that, if the choice belonged to her, she would be in my arms, on this bed beside me, sharing our waking and sleeping moments together.

Alas, that was not to be. The imperiled universe made that choice for her and, because of our connection, for me as well. Ten days passed since I heard her voice, with no news or update from Shepard or any of the other members of the Normandy. I kept a careful watch on the crew whom Shepard allowed to escape. There were warrants out for them; they were being hunted by their respective governments on suspicion of terrorist actions…even if they had saved the galaxy. Cerberus, too, was seeing out its errant operatives, Miranda Lawson and Jacob Taylor.

 _I wonder if they know how many close calls they have had,_ I thought as I lay down, resting my head on my pillow, still staring at my operative's report as though it could tell me more than what was contained in the paragraphs. _I wonder if they know how many operatives I have lost keeping them out of Cerberus' clutches. It is best they do not know of my involvement, but I will not stop protecting them. It is what Shepard would wish for. It is what she herself would do and since she cannot, I will do it in her stead._

I could feel the emptiness of the bed swallowing me whole. It seemed too large an expanse without her in it. It felt like the emptiness of the two years I spent without her, only now I was cogent, awake and aware, capable of feeling the pain without needing to flee from it. However, self-awareness was cold company. In spite of the madness encroaching on the galaxy, the knowledge of the arrival of the Reapers, I took time to listen to the whispering of my own heart. I was lonely. I was afraid. I had so much power at my fingertips. The name I hid behind, the name I stole, was feared and respected across the galaxy.

 _Even so, I do not have the power to bring Shepard to me. I do not have the power to free her. It would be entirely too easy to infiltrate her prison and liberate her. She knows this and I know this…she also knows that I will do nothing, because her own sense of honor would keep her in those chains even if she were not jailed and awaiting trial. I love her and…and I must do as she did for me, and accept her as she lives her life in her own way._

I stared at the words again, letting them blur and clarify in my vision over and over again, as if I could change them simply by looking away for a moment. Nothing could alter the harsh reality of the truth. I needed to read it again, for a final time, and put it away, accepting it. I did not want to accept it. The words before me were simply a recounting of what had happened. They could not tell me Serena's feelings. They could not convey her emotions. They would never be able to tell me if she felt as I felt, so very far, far away in another star system…not so difficult to reach, by any means but…but this fate seemed so iron-clad. She felt a galaxy away, and I sat here besieged by my inability to do a single thing.

 _{{{DAY ONE: Commander Shepard's ship, Normandy SR2 impounded on Earth. Full investigation ordered on ship contents. All electronic files seized and personnel detained. Commander Shepard's person taken into Alliance custody. Currently imprisoned in undisclosed location (will find and report). No contact allowed, excepting Admiral Steven Hackett, Admiral David Anderson and appointed judge advocate general.}}}_

 _{{{DAY TWO: Batarian Hegemony sent representative to demand release of prisoner into Hegemony custody. Told to wait for twenty-four hours until Alliance judgement rendered. Many sightings of Admiral Steven Hackett and David Anderson.}}}_

 _{{{DAY THREE: Judgement rendered. Commander Shepard re-inducted into Alliance military in order to stand courts martial. Batarian representative's request declined until courts martial finalized and final judgement rendered. Inquired as to timeline. Informed that human courts martial proceedings can take from six to eighteen Earth months from beginning to end.}}}_

 _{{{DAY FOUR: Discovered Shepard's location: Alliance base in Vancouver, North American continent. Batarian forces invaded base. Fifteen casualties before Hegemony agents neutralized. Alliance military personnel on high alert. No non-military personnel allowed on base. All talks with Hegemony representatives cancelled. Unsure if this incursion will be seen as an act of war.}}}_

I frowned at the screen, worrying. Worrying that one of those fifteen human casualties might have been Shepard, that the batarians might have gotten their revenge on her after all. Since the fourth day, there had been no word. I did not want to worry incessantly but, in the back of my mind, I could see and feel this smaller version of myself. I could hear her screaming for answers. I could feel her tears pounding behind my eyes, begging to rush out in a torrent of cleansing emotion.

 _Cleansing me of what,_ I wondered. _Continuing to love a woman who has the blood of three-hundred thousand on her hands? Should I not find her reprehensible for that? Would not_ _ **any**_ _other person hear of those actions and turn away, severing all ties?_

I knew the answer to my own question. It was a solid affirmative. Any other person would have turned their back on her. They would have set her aside in their hearts and been unable to justify her actions. To me, however, her actions did not need to be justified. Perhaps this was because I knew Shepard at the core of her truest self. I knew what drove her every action, what her one dream was for this galaxy. If there had been another way, another choice, she would have taken it, or made it. One road was presented. One road was taken.

It had been the same with Benezia. She foresaw the danger of Saren and saw but one path before her. She acted, unlike all the other matriarchs, and went to stop the damage he would do before it was done. She saw one road presented. She took it, and she failed only because of Sovereign and its indoctrination. The Reaper's greatest threat was not their power of destruction, but the power they had to turn allies into enemies, simply by occupying a presence long enough to infiltrate the minds of sentient beings.

My mind became too loud a place to occupy. Memories from the past resurged in an ominous wave, building until they threatened to crash in on and destroy me. I closed my eyes at long last, determined to think of better days, sleep, and perchance dream of a world away from the one I currently inhabited. A world where there were many roads, where a soldier's dreams came true, and where love granted immunity from the chaos of the universe. I hovered on the edge of the waking world when my omni flared to life, a message from my operative on Earth.

I opened my message screen and began to read.

 _{{{DAY TEN: Vancouver base lockdown lifted. Still no non-military persons allowed entrance. Overheard conversation at bar popular with military. Alliance lieutenant, appears to be from South American continent, became inebriated and leaked intel. Shepard's cell breached during batarian incursion. According to the lieutenant, Commander Shepard did not defend herself from attackers before military police brought them down. Lieutenant passed out. Made further inquiries. Still unable to ascertain Shepard's condition.}}}_


	8. Chapter 8

**Liara**

I paced back and forth in my room, waiting for my call to be answered. I had sent several messages in the last four hours, and received nothing in response. She must have been asleep, otherwise she would have answered. Wouldn't she?

I stopped pacing and leaned against the wall, closing my eyes and breathing deep, attempting to calm myself. If I knew one thing, I knew that isolation, coupled with worry, paired with too much time to think, could lead one down the path of paranoia. I could not afford to lose what little remained of my sanity. Shepard needed me, I was certain of it. My informant's words, though unspoken, resonated through my mind.

 _Did not defend herself…unable to ascertain Shepard's condition…_

"It doesn't make sense." I whispered to the silence surrounding me. "Serena is no lover of violence, but she would not let herself be taken without attempting her own defense…not if she is already being punished for the crime she committed…not if she, in truth, wishes to keep her promise to me."

The sound of my own voice echoed in the empty room, reminding me of my helplessness, in spite of the power I held at my fingertips. I lifted my omni-tool and called again, surprised and relieved when the screen opened and bleary amethyst eyes glared through the screen. I heard muttered, mumbled cursing and the screen moved with jerking, erratic movements until, a few moments later, Zhira's features appeared in front of me.

 _[I'm not one to doubt your reasons, Li, but isn't two in the morning a bit early for thirty-thousand messages?]_ She quipped and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Forgive me, Zhira, but this is an urgent matter. As to the number of messages, I believe I've sent five."

 _[Being literal will kill you one day, Liara.]_ Zhira warned me, a slight smile creasing her features. _[And, as I said, I know you have your reasons. Is everything all right?]_

Shepard's words rang in my hearing, quiet and desperate and the cold ache of fear settled deep in my belly. _Everything's not all right._

"You told me you were going to Earth, correct?" I asked, breathing easier when I saw her nod. "Have you arrived, or are you still en-route?"

 _[I got here last night.]_ Zhira ran her hand over her face. _[Technically, this morning. This morning, which it still is, which is why I didn't answer your thirty-thou…your five messages. What's going on?]_

"My operative on Earth has discovered Shepard's location." I replied, beginning to pace across my room once again. "She's being held in the Alliance base in Vancouver, North America. I do not know if the Alliance publicized the news, but a batarian strike team managed to break into her cell…"

 _[Goddess.]_ Zhira's eyes flared and she became more awake. _[Is she all right?]_

I shook my head, fighting against the tears that made my eyes burn, and losing. They streamed down my face. My lips trembled. I despised myself for nearly crumbling, even though I knew Zhira would not care. She had seen me at my weakest and most vulnerable; she had given me mercy when all I deserved was punishment. In a world where few could trust any, I had two people in whom I could repose my darkest secrets, and knew they would be kept safe and that I would not be judged for them.

"I don't know." The words emerged, quivering, trembling with apprehension as I did. "My operative wasn't able to find out anything more than what I've told you. Only that…only that she didn't fight back."

Zhira frowned. _[That doesn't sound like the Commander Shepard I met on Illium.]_

I nodded. "I know." I managed to speak past the tightening of my throat. "I need to find out for myself what happened, but the base is on high alert. None of my operatives have any chance, and I myself would not be allowed. The Alliance is well aware of my relationship with Shepard. They would suspect something, and I cannot risk traveling there, lest I return to Hagalaz with the Alliance tracking me."

 _[This is your way of asking me to find out what I can, isn't it?]_ Zhira seemed to read my thoughts. _[But if they know about you, Li, what makes you think they don't know about us?]_

"I can destroy all of that information if they possess it." I waved a dismissive hand, not caring that she couldn't see the gesture. "I cannot, however, destroy my face. I am a goddess-damned 'hero'," I spat the word in disgust, "and am known the galaxy over. Please, Zhira…I can trust no one else with this. Not my operatives, nor my friends…I cannot do this myself but I…I will go mad if…"

 _[You don't have to beg, Li.]_ Zhira's voice calmed me, soothed me as it had so many times when I lay, tortured by the throes of withdrawal. _[I was planning on helping the moment you told me. My business can wait, and I'm on the North American continent. But we have to do this right. If even your operative can't find out much, then they will not allow just anyone to see her.]_

"They will accept an envoy from the asari councilor." My mind raced, attempting to think of a way in which to manage an audience between Zhira and Shepard. "It will take me at least two of Earth's days to get everything in order."

 _[Shit.]_ Zhira shook her head, but a smile played about her lips, not quite coming into existence. _[You can make me a councilor's envoy in just two days? You're going to have to send an official request, get approval for it, and write me a new background, complete with the information for a fool-proof background and ident-check. Are you certain you don't need more time?]_

"Feron is quite capable of handling the mundane tasks and managing the projects while I dedicate myself to this. I cannot sleep anyway, I might as well put my insomnia to good use."

What might have been a smile on Zhira's face became a displeased expression, but I saw concern in her eyes. _[You'd better take care of yourself, Liara.]_ Her tone carried the same serious note it held when she offered her help in liberating myself from my addiction. _[It's my neck I'm risking here, and I need to know that I'm going into that place with every loose end tied. I trust you, you know that, but if I get in there,_ _ **when**_ _I see Shepard, I need to be able to tell her that you're all right, and have it not be a lie. Do you understand me?]_

I nodded, touched by her concern. "With vivid clarity." I replied. "I will…I will take care of myself." I promised, knowing that what she said held absolute truth. She was risking her entire life for me, at the drop of a hat, as humans would say. If her sole wish was for me to promise to care for myself, and fulfill that promise, I had no right to deny her.

 _[Thank you. I guess I'll research on how a councilor's envoy should act and present herself…]_ Zhira's voice trailed off and her expression hardened. Her jaw clenched, causing the scar on her neck to tighten. _[Liara T'Soni…I'm going to have to wear a goddess-damned dress.]_

"If you wish them to believe that you are what you claim to be, I would assume that your wardrobe must bespeak your position." The expression of complete consternation on her face at such a benign requirement made me smile. I lifted my hand to cover the errant upward quirking of my lips.

Zhira stared at the screen for a moment, her eyes narrowed at me before she heaved a sigh, her expression turning to one of resigned acquiescence.

 _[You owe me T'Soni.]_ She declared, and I nodded, for the statement bore absolute truth. _[I hate dresses, Li. I hate them.]_ I said nothing, I could do nothing to conceal my mirth at her discomfort.

"Thank you, Zhira." I attempted to sound professional and grateful, but my tone emerged far too light, considering the situation.

 _[You're welcome. And damn lucky. I have to find a dress now. Fuck.]_


	9. Chapter 9

**Thessia**

Sen looked at the two matron asari, attempting to interpret the expressions they wore on their faces, the emotions burning in eyes, amethyst and ocean. She wondered if this was when it happened. If, somehow, during this time, Shepard became her father and Zhira her mother. Even though the timelines did not quite mesh, Sen could no longer be certain of anything. With all the truths that Zhira and Liara revealed to her, there were surely some lies. Could not one of those lies be of the year she was born? How would she know if that were the case…Liara had the power to change almost any record she so desired; she had done so with her own medical records. A forged certificate of birth would certainly be child's play.

She did not want to ask what happened. She did not want to know that she lived as evidence of a broken love. In her mind, Sen clung to the myth, to the stories, to the belief that Liara's love kept Shepard alive and defeated the Reapers. One could only become so jaded before they broke…but Sen also knew the heart. It could only hide so much before it, too, withered and decayed beneath the burden of the secrets it held. Zhira warned her that this would be painful. But pain could be a good thing. It allowed one sense of self. It imparted the knowledge of life and living, even as it made it difficult. Pain could be surmounted.

Sen's lips trembled, a question hovering at the edge of them that she feared to ask. However, she would. She had no choice.

"What happened next?" Her words were soft, hesitant, and Liara's eyes lit on her, the expression in them one of complete commiseration and empathy with her trepidation. For a moment, Sen saw herself reflected in the matron's eyes…a blink, and the moment was gone.

When Liara did not answer, Zhira took up the tale. "Li hacked into the asari councilor's system. She got me the proper documentation, backstory, _and_ ," Zhira glared at Liara, a smirk on her lips, "the proper attire for the position I pretended to occupy."

"You were too patient and kind." Liara's voice held the weight of the past, the weight of grief and worry remembered but not re-experienced. The galactic hero turned her eyes to Sen once more. "She waited in Vancouver for a week, putting off her own business so that she could help me. It took me seven Earth days to send an official message to the Alliance. They refused each day for three days, before finally allowing an envoy from the asari councilor."

Zhira laughed, drawing Sen's attention. The doctor looked at her mother in an entirely different light. Was her suspicion true? Had the asari who raised her corrupted one of the galaxy's greatest love stories? Surely, that could not be. Not with the way Liara spoke of loving Shepard. Not with the way Zhira and Liara both were comfortable in the other's presence, sharing past and present with her and one another, comfortable enough to indulge in laughter.

"I was more terrified than I had ever been in my life." Zhira shook her head, remembering and acknowledging her fear in that time. "I'd run drug deals and taken lives and stood up to some of the most unsavory elements of the galaxy, coming out on the winning side. But never, _never_ had I impersonated a government official. I felt naked and transparent walking up to that building; I _knew_ they were going to see right through me, and at least turn me away. At most, arrest me and report my fraud to the Council."

Zhira fell silent, and Sen watched as her mother's gaze lifted to Liara. In that moment, Sen saw something in her mother's eyes she had never before witnessed. An ache dwelt in the amethyst eyes, an ache without borders that lived in the heart and spread across the body, out from the soul and the fingertips, invading the universe with a quiet, pleading, unvoiced whisper.

"But I remembered who was counting on me." Zhira's voice rang soft in the sterile room, so gentle a falling leaf could shatter it. "I remembered who I was doing this for and I knew I had to go through with it. That memory gave me the strength to speak, the power to move forward and wear a mask more difficult to wear than any I had previously donned. They didn't notice. According to the agreement, I was allowed to speak with Shepard and…"

Liara stood up, abrupt, silencing Zhira and drawing all eyes in the room to her. Sen knew pain when she saw it. She could feel the waves of it emanating from Liara's body, almost as clear as biotic energy. The elder asari shook her head, and Sen saw the light of tears in her eyes…tears she was refusing to shed.

"I cannot…not at this moment." Liara whispered. "Please, excuse me."

She turned and left the room, closing the door on Zhira and Sen and their stunned silence. Daughter looked to mother, asking for an explanation. Zhira sighed, staring at the closed door for a long moment before returning her gaze to her daughter, seeing the question in those beautiful, strange eyes, and answering it.

"Some pain runs so deep, Sen, that we can never truly face it." Zhira spoke, breaking the silence, answering without revealing any truth. "Some are blessed, no matter their lifespan, to have but one or two of those moments of agony so exquisite that part of their soul remains captured within it. Liara has more of those moments than any matriarch, and this was one of them."

Zhira scrutinized her daughter, seeing the lines of weariness and physical pain in Sen's eyes. She was not recovered, and would not be for some time.

"You need to rest, Heartlight." Zhira whispered, cupping her daughter's cheek and pressing a kiss to her precious brow. "I will speak to Liara."

"Mother, wait." Sen caught Zhira's hand as her mother rose to leave. Sen's hands shook with fear, her eyes burned with tears. "Mother, was this…was this when I was conceived? Is this how…is this how I happened?"

Zhira smiled, gentle. She could not blame her daughter for these questions, but Sen was not ready to know the truth of it all, just yet. Not until the story had been told in its entirety. However, she could allay the fear in her daughter's voice and gaze with the most absolute of truths.

"No, Sen."


	10. Chapter 10

**Thessia**

Liara stood in one of the myriad empty rooms in the T'Soni estate. She remembered a time when this house rang with life and light, filled with people and laughter, conversations and conviviality. This place had been empty for years, empty like the place in herself where she went when she thought of the past, when she remembered what once lived in her heart. Three hundred years had passed and still, when she reached within herself it still lived there…the hollow, holy echo of emptiness.

 _Why am I doing this?_ She questioned herself for the thousandth time. _Why do I tread once more on sacrosanct ground, tearing my memories from my mind and heart and giving them to another? Silence has been enough, these three-hundred years. I have chosen to break it, and now I am questioning that breaking. Now I am wondering if it is, in truth, worth it. Do the mistakes of the past need to be undone? Do those wrongs truly need to be righted?_

She thought of the door she closed behind her, the almost-finality of the "thud" as it latched in place. Did she need to open it again? Did she truly need to follow through, to see this story filled with pain and tears and blood to its end? Could she not just tell the truth without the stories, the memories that would make her revisit a pain so deep that, in the night, bred dreams that had her awakening still, centuries removed, drenched in sweat and tears?

"I've seen you open a lot of doors, Li." Zhira's voice rang behind her, drawing her into the reality that she wished to do nothing, at the moment, but escape. "Never seen you close one like that. Never seen you walk away from the pain before."

"You found me at such a time in my life." Liara recalled, not turning from her place where she stared out the window on the grounds of the estate, the life that went on without consideration for those who walked upon the planet's surface, watering it with the memories of their lives, loves, and heartaches. "So can you say those words to me, in truth?"

"When I found you, I gave you the choice to walk back into oblivion." Zhira countered. "You didn't take it. You opened the door to pain and you walked through it and lived through it and endured it and came out on the other side, richer in wisdom and compassion. What has you afraid now?"

"There are things I don't want to remember." Liara whispered. "There are things I still _cannot_ remember. How am I to explain to Sen those times, when I had no say over my life or my destiny, when decisions were made _for_ me that have led us to this moment? How can I tell her…how can I tell her that I _allowed_ such things to happen?"

"Because you didn't." Zhira answered, and Liara felt the comfort of a warm, callused hand on her shoulder. The hand of a comforter and friend, someone who had walked with her during the darkest times of her past…someone willing to walk with her now, along this road she feared to tread. "You just said it yourself, Li. You didn't have a say. What was done was done without your knowledge or consent."

"You understand this." Liara nodded, still refusing to look Zhira in the eye. "I understand this. The question is, will _she?_ When I look at her, after all is said and done, will she comprehend the madness of those times, the do or die decisions that so many of us were forced to make, for good or ill?"

"You just told her that her father killed three hundred thousand people and destroyed a star system." Zhira reminded her, not ungentle. "You and I both know that, over the centuries, that particular point in history has been buried beneath the years. No one wants to remember Shepard that way."

"Then why should I have tainted her memory of Serena?" Liara asked. "Why did I tell her that, Zhira? I could have left that part unknown; allowed Sen to continue to believe that her…that her father was nothing other than the hero of history, the Savior of the Galaxy…"

"But that wouldn't have been the truth." Liara heard the sorrow in Zhira's words. "And you've never hidden from the truth, even when it ripped your fucking heart out. This day, and the days that are going to follow it, have been a long time coming. You're seriously considering walking back in there, and telling Sen that she doesn't deserve the end to the mystery because it might hurt too much? If that's the case, Liara, you shouldn't have fucking talked to her in the first place."

"What would you have done, Zhira?" Liara rounded on her friend, anger sparking in her cerulean eyes. "If you had been in my skin, and suddenly seen what I had seen, would you have been able to keep your silence? I saw her and I…I _shattered_ inside. The locks I set upon my heart, upon my memory, shattered the moment I looked into her eyes and realized what…what she should have never been able to hide."

"She was only able to hide it because of me." Zhira attempted to comfort her, reaching out, cupping Liara's cheek in her hand, startling the Shadow Broker with the ferocity of physical connection to another…the sole other living who shared her secrets and her memories and her sorrows. "Because I kept her in the dark. You opened that door, Liara, but know this. If you choose not to walk through it, _I_ will. Because I need my daughter's forgiveness. I don't know if I deserve it, but I'm going to try. The story is going to be told, one way or the other, but she _needs_ to hear it from you."

Liara's anger calmed as she saw the resolve stamped on Zhira's countenance. When she saw the pain in her friend's eyes, as deep, sacred, and long-hidden as her own. She knew then that she could not turn back, for Zhira's sake, for Sen's sake, for her own sake and…and for Shepard. Shepard, who had no voice in the galaxy any longer save for Liara. Shepard, who deserved to have the truth of the life she lived remembered, not painted in gloss and bright colors so that she could be seen as but _one_ thing.

 _That would have killed Serena_ , Liara realized, opening up to the truth she attempted to hide from. _Knowing how this story has ended, how_ _ **her life**_ _has been altered by the hands of others who misconstrued the truth so hat future generations did not see the ugliness of that time…the true humanity and mortality of the woman still held up as the example of what all should aspire to…she would be_ _ **furious**_ _._

"I know." Liara relented, allowing Zhira to draw her into an embrace, to shelter her from the demons of the past that roared their fury, now that they had been let slip from their chains inside her mind. "I know, but…but there are things I do not want to relive, Zhira. There are moments I do not want to see again, that I do not want to _feel_ again."

"You need to." Zhira whispered against her crest. "And I need to. And Sen needs for both of us to face our sins."

"I don't want to remember that look in her eyes." Liara murmured. "I don't want to hear the pain in her voice."

"Then don't do it alone." Zhira encouraged her, holding her tight. "Walk through it with me. I have forgotten nothing of it, and I am here for you now. Walk through it with me. Please. I am here for _you_ , Liara, and for Sen. Please, don't push me away. Not after three hundred and thirty-six years of carrying this burden."

Liara sagged in Zhira's embrace, allowing her friend to hold her up, to bolster her courage, to fill her heart with resolve. She was right, and Liara knew it. She owed this to Serena. Serena, who had never fled from any form of pain. Serena, who had never backed down from any enemy. Serena, who, with her mind ripped to shreds and her soul splintered, still faced her enemy and emerged _victorious_.

"All right." Liara relented. "I will see it again. With you. I will endure it again. With you."

Liara trembled as Zhira placed a chaste kiss to her forehead, then withdrew and held her gaze, unflinching, but kind. Resolved, but gentle.

"Liara T'Soni," Zhira whispered, "embrace eternity."


	11. Chapter 11

**Thessia**

 _It has been over three hundred years. Zhira's mind is still as calm, collected, and organized as Liara remembers. She does not know how the elder matron has always been able to bring her ever into a place of peace. It is quiet here, serene, even. Liara suddenly wants to ask Sen if her melds with her mother have always held this peace, or if it is a sanctuary that Zhira creates for her alone. In the connection between them, Liara hears Zhira's soft laughter._

 _"You have the strangest definition of peace, Liara." Zhira whispers into her thoughts. "In my own thoughts, I see nothing but chaos, a consistent stream of events and madness that I cannot sort out on my own, sometimes."_

 _"I once thought of peace as an emptiness." Liara smiles into the meld. "A place of utter quiet and repose, where all lay still and silent. However, when I enter those moments of complete quiescence, I can hear my own thoughts and see my own memories with a clarity so painful that it rips me apart. There is no peace in that. Perhaps, I have learned to see that peace is chaos, just as change is the sole constant in this universe."_

 _Zhira does not reply to her words, but Liara can feel the other asari's reaction. Empathy. Commiseration. Understanding. She knows that Zhira can comprehend her thoughts on a thousand levels, from the vastly theoretical to the very physical part of her whose heartrate is slowing in the comfort of their mental, perhaps spiritual, embrace. Her figurative heart aches at the recollection of another with whom she felt this peace. A face whom she shall she again, very soon, whose words she will hear with as vivid clarity as if that face was still a physical presence in the world._

 _"I take it you're ready?" Zhira asks, and Liara nods, knowing that her acquiescence will be felt and understood without spoken language._

 _The air around them shifts and changes, turning into the image of a long hallway. The tile on the floor is covered in years of dirt. No amount of buffing and waxing will save them, even though they fairly glow with the high polish. The colors staining the wall are a horrid neutral, even the pictures hanging on the wall, holo-images of new spacecraft, honored commanders, and military events cannot distract Liara from the dreadful expanse of industrial tan. She watches Zhira walk down the hall, escorted by a man who, at the time, Liara had no knowledge of. Later, she would come to know him as Lieutenant James Vega. Later, she would call him a brother._

 _"She's in here, Madame Ambassador." James looks as uncomfortable addressing Zhira as Zhira appears wearing the requisite asari finery expected of a councilor's envoy. "As you requested, there won't be a vid recording. Just audio."_

 _"Thank you, lieutenant." Zhira dips her head in a gracious manner, briefly baring the scar across her neck that the high collar hides. James' eyes widen at the sight, but he says nothing._

 _He opens the door with a retinal scan, and Zhira enters the room. Liara sees the silhouette of Shepard, the light streaming in from the window making her nothing but a shadow. Zhira opens her omni-tool and enters a code, scrambling the audio recorder in the room so that it will record nothing but muted inflections of their voice. Their conversation will be recorded, but untranslatable._

 _"I didn't think the asari had a vested interest in a Batarian prison colony." Shepard spoke, her voice hoarse. "Apparently, because of this meeting, I'm very wrong about that. Are you here to tell me that charges will be formally filed by the Thessian matriarchy? Because that's the only thing I can guess at this point, and what I was told to expect."_

 _Zhira smiles, shaking her head. She should have expected that Shepard would be briefed on the supposed reason for their audience, and that she would have been given orders on exactly what to say._

 _"I am not representing the Thessian matriarchy." Zhira speaks. "But I am representing an asari who has a vested interest in_ _ **you**_ _."_

 _Shepard turns at the words and Liara's stomach clenches. The human woman's silver eyes are framed by the ugly purple and light green of bruising. There is a deep cut across the bridge of her nose, the dark crimson of scabs where fists ripped the skin off of her cheeks, and several deep lines in the flesh of her lips where they were split open. One such gash through her upper lip is stitched together. Her neck is still black and blue from where a boot nearly crushed it, and her left arm hangs in a sling. Her right knee is trapped in a exo-brace…it keeps her shattered patella motionless while allowing her the freedom to walk._

 _"Zhira?" Shepard is not a woman who gasps in surprise, but the expression is evident in her silver gaze, eyes that are filled with such pain and…Liara remembers the first time she saw those eyes in person after Shepard's incarceration. Where once lived light there was a hollow darkness, a void of something…something lost that could not be regained. She sees it now as she saw it three hundred years ago, through Zhira's mind, on board the Shadow Broker's ship._

 _"We are safe to speak, commander." Zhira informs her. "Liara has made certain of that."_

 _Shepard still looks around the room, as though expecting to be caught; ambushed. Her eyes turn to Zhira once more. "What the_ _ **fuck**_ _?" She asks. "You can't tell me Liara doesn't know how goddamn dangerous this is."_

 _"We are both fully aware of the risks." Zhira answers. "But since news of your impending incarceration reached your ears, Liara has had an operative attempting to find you. She received news of the batarian attack and was worried. No news has been released as to your condition."_

 _Shepard extends her good, right arm. "I'm fine, as you can see." She states, her voice dark, but not with…not with anger. "Doesn't surprise me that they won't tell anyone how I am. They're embarrassed enough that the batarians got that far. What the fucktards don't realize is that, while the gates are guarded, no one really pays attention to the fencing in the residential district of the base. Buy a holo-generator on the black market and even a batarian can look human as long as no one touches them."_

 _"So that's how it was done." Zhira nods, wondering how much the Hegemony spent on the technology._

 _"Yeah." Shepard snorts and sits down, a quick wince of discomfort flitting across her features. "That's how it was done. Now the Alliance is answering to the galactic community for being made fools of_ _ **and**_ _dealing with the screaming of the non-military residents of base-housing. They don't feel safe anymore, nor should they."_

 _"You do seem to be the name on everyone's lips." Zhira approaches the topic of the Bahak system._

 _"From the Savior of the Citadel to the Butcher of Bahak." Shepard shakes her head. "Rebelling against Council oversight and continuing to chase Saren made me a hero when Sovereign attacked the Citadel. But taking action on my own, in the same manner, stripped away any of the good I may have done, even though I took that action for all the right reasons."_

 _"Shepard, I understand that you are speaking to me." Zhira, knowing her time is limited, presses harder. "I know that you realize that the next person I will see after this is Liara. You are speaking to her, through me. You don't need to hide anything."_

 _"Don't I?" The words are an empty sneer, slicing across Liara's heart. "I'm surprised Liara sent you here. I thought she was smarter than that."_

 _Zhira's expression hardens at the dismissive tone in Shepard's voice. "Smarter than what, exactly?" Zhira asks, leaning forward. "Caring about the woman she loves enough to send someone into danger and the highest form of fraudulent impersonation?"_

 _"Smarter than to keep loving someone who's committed fucking genocide." Shepard snaps. "Just because there wasn't actual blood on my hands doesn't mean it's not there. You're a rational, pragmatic asari, Zhira. I'm surprised you didn't support her when she doubted her feelings for me; that you didn't talk her into abandoning me like any sane person would do."_

 _Liara takes the blow to her heart once again, listening to the self-loathing in Serena's voice…self-loathing that had made her question even Liara's love. Listening to this again hurts, but there are no tears in her eyes this time, not as there were when she first witnessed this memory._

 _"When she doubted?" Zhira's voice is taut, shaking with barely repressed anger. "If it means a goddess-damned thing to you, Shepard, Liara hasn't doubted her love of you at_ _ **all**_ _. And, as you just intimated, if she had, she would have told_ _ **me**_ _. Your party of pity, as you humans say, is for you and you alone. Do not dare drag Liara's name into it."_

 _Shepard's eyes widen. "She didn't…" The shock in her voice scrapes across Liara's hearing like a dull razor, "…she didn't…"_

 _"_ _ **No.**_ _"_

 _ **She thought that I would despise her. That I would doubt her intentions…she thought that**_ _ **I**_ _ **would be so petty as to believe that she did, indeed, see this as vengeance for what happened at Mindoir. That I would think so little of her as to sever our ties and…and leave her alone with no defenders and none who would believe in her. This was the beginning of her breaking, and perhaps I was foolish to grieve for myself,**_ _Liara thinks,_ _ **when I heard those words. But I could not help it. They tore me apart.**_

 _"So you didn't come here to tell me that Liara is writing me off?" Shepard asks, her voice low, humbled._

 _"I came here to make certain that you are all right. Liara knew nothing of your condition save the word of a drunken guard that you didn't fight back when they breached your cell. Is that true?"_

 _"It is and it isn't." Shepard mutters. "They blew the door and the next thing I knew it felt like a fucking giant wasp had stung me in the neck. They hit me with a high-power muscle relaxer. I couldn't do anything while they beat the shit out of me, and when they were taken out, the drug worked so well it almost stopped my heart. My lungs weren't even working anymore. They had to put me on a damn ventilator until it was out of my system."_

 _Liara remembers the shock she felt the first time she witnessed this, the horror at the thought of how close she'd come to losing Shepard again. The pain of that had dulled the relief she felt at knowing that Shepard did not simply allow herself to be taken. Behind all of that still burned the knowledge that Shepard thought Liara would leave her; that Serena_ _ **believed**_ _that their bond was so weak that something like this would dissuade Liara's faith in her. She had not been able to summon anger…not when she had been so deeply_ _ **wounded**_ _._

 _"But you are recovering?" Zhira keeps her composure, something Liara would not have been able to do, not if she had faced the bruised, battered human woman herself._

 _"Well enough." Shepard replies. "Hackett and Anderson are keeping my recovery out of the press. They tell me that if there's no word, then people might begin to question what they think of me, and in that questioning remember all the shit I've actually done. They think it might make the small minds. who jump at whatever the GNN says and latch onto a reporter's bias and make it their own, think for themselves on whether actually losing the Savior of the Citadel is something they_ _ **want**_ _to happen. It might work, it might not. All I know is that they're working this politically and I_ _ **hate**_ _politics. The Reapers_ _ **are**_ _coming, Zhira, and no one but Cerberus is doing a thing about it."_

 _"What are your thoughts on that?" Zhira questions._

 _"At this point, nobody wants to hear my thoughts. I worked for Cerberus, remember? But since you're asking for yourself, and Liara…if Cerberus is the one who saves this fucking galaxy from the Reapers, they're going to use it. They're going to erase the Council and make every single race indebted to them. Then the galaxy will have to endure what our fucking planet did for the last few millennia. Rule by humans and humans alone. Trust me, that's_ _ **nothing**_ _anyone wants or needs. I'd rather see the Reapers destroy us than see this galaxy run by humanity."_

 _"You think so little of your own race?"_

 _"I know the history of my own race. We're ruled by impulse and avarice. We killed our own for centuries upon centuries until we found that we weren't alone in the galaxy. When we found we weren't, we all united to do more killing. Look at Udina, whose somehow back on the Council. He's a human politician that's willing to work with other races. Now think of the galaxy controlled by people like him…who are elitist xenophobes. Talk to Liara about a piece of human history called World War Two. She'll show you what humanity is capable of. What we're good at."_

 _"I know the war you speak of." Zhira counters. "That was the worst of your species, and they committed unforgivable genocide."_

 _"Right you are." Shepard places her hand on the table and leans forward. "Supposedly, once, I was the best of my species. And I just committed unforgivable genocide too."_

 _"Those circumstances were different." Zhira counters and Liara finds herself nodding, even though she knows what happens next._

 _"Were they?" Shepard mocks herself. "They wholeheartedly believed they were doing the right thing. So did I. Trust me. The galaxy doesn't want to see humans in charge, no matter our somewhat heroic actions to this point. I don't even like that we have a council seat, just because we saved a space station and the councilors."_

 _"I can understand your hatred of yourself, Shepard, given the circumstances." Zhira attempts to reach her. "But it should not extend to your species."_

 _"Watch history unfold, Zhira." Shepard whispers. "See what happens if they keep me locked here while the Reapers invade."_

 _"What makes you different?" Zhira questions. "Why would it be different if_ _ **you**_ _, instead of, say, an agent from Cerberus defeated the Reapers?"_

 _"Because I know the evils I'm capable of." Shepard replies. "And I know better than to forgive myself for them with the weak defense of 'circumstances'." She looks at Zhira's omni. "Your time is up, Madame Ambassador." She says. "Please…please tell Liara that I love her. And that I'm sorry."_

 _"For turning yourself in instead of letting her protect you, or for telling her, through me, that you so horribly doubted her love of you?" Zhira demands the difficult answer._

 _"For both." Shepard hangs her head, letting her fiery hair shield her features. "And for not knowing, if they hadn't hit me with that damn drug, if I would have fought back."_

 _"You don't deserve this, Shepard." Zhira attempts to comfort her, but Shepard will not hear it. Liara can tell by the set of her shoulders, the thin line of her lips when she raises her head, the hollow void in her silver eyes._

 _"Thank you, Zhira, but I can't say I agree."_


	12. Chapter 12

**Thessia**

Zhira broke the meld and waited for Liara to collect herself. She felt Liara's pain in her own heart, the agony of seeing that memory once again, of knowing that, in one of Shepard's darkest hours, she'd doubted Liara's love for her. So soon after they had come together again, supposedly removing that doubt, it had re-emerged. Zhira believed, however, that part of Liara's pain dwelt in knowing that Shepard's doubts, hurtful though they may have been, were not unfounded.

 _She had no way of knowing Liara's thoughts in the moment of her revelations. No way of confirming how Liara felt and, given their only recent reconciliation, room to believe that Liara would not be able to forgive her actions in the Bahak system. Not to mention that she herself was grappling with emotions darker than any we might know._

Zhira's own heart still ached at the memory of the emptiness in Shepard's eyes when they met. She'd borne witness to that same emptiness before, in the eyes of those lost to drugs, lost in grief…perhaps simply the expression of those who found themselves…lost. Soldiers in wartime had more purpose than most, but that did not mean that they found purpose for their own life within the purpose of the war.

In fact, there were many who did not. Many who made the ultimate sacrifice questioned their very actions in the moment of their deaths. She knew this all too well…she'd been on Earth when the Reapers struck. She'd stood with the Alliance's finest against the onslaught and seen them as time wore on, watching the light fade from more and more eyes. At the end, there were many who, even though they still drew breath, still stood, still spoke, would never live and never be alive again.

 _How Liara did not become that manner of casualty is, at times, still a mystery to me. She is still so strong, even now, as we confront a weakness, she still carries her strength._

Liara looked up, unashamed of the tears in her eyes. Zhira watched her wipe them away, breathe deep, and center herself. She wanted to erase the sorrow in Liara's expression, but knew that she could not. Pain was sacred, and while Zhira had been the messenger of this source of pain, she did not share in it. She wanted to speak, but at this moment, it was not her place to do so.

"You would think three hundred years of distance, and all that has transpired in that time, would have lessened the blow of that moment." Liara whispered. "However, to see that doubt in the strongest person I've ever known still wounds my heart. Not simply the doubt of my love, you understand, but the doubt that she bore in herself."

"She did not let it cripple her." Zhira responded. "You and I saw all too well the evidence of that. Everyone experiences doubt, but doubt is a not just an emotion, but a quiet weapon. It can be instilled. It can be used, manipulated, and it…and it can hurt. It can hurt those whom we never intended to injure."

Liara looked at her and her expression softened. "Did you have doubts, Zhira?" She wondered.

A smile spread on the matron's face before turning into a laugh which carried through the room for a few seconds, startling Liara, but also bringing a kindred smile to her face.

"Did I have doubts?" Zhira asked, borderline incredulous. "I had doubts every day, Liara. Like Shepard, I fully believed that you might never forgive me. I woke up every day questioning whether or not what I'd done was the right thing but when I…"

Zhira's words fell away as emotion surged in her heart. She did not understand why so many of the matriarchs she had met seemed to project a field of utter emotionlessness. Was it a tactic to hide behind? Or was it simply because, in their long lives, they could endure no more of the burden of feeling? She feared it might be the latter, and trembled at the approach of time. She never wanted to become such a person…one who ran from emotion because she had experienced too much.

"When you saw her for the first time?" Liara asked, her voice and expression colored by abject _longing_. "When you watched her grow and learn and become the…the amazing physician and asari that she is today?"

"Yes." Zhira murmured. "When all of that happened. I didn't feel joy without remorse, Li. Every moment of watching her grow, watching her triumph, mentoring her and loving her I…I despised myself."

Liara shook her head. "You should not have done so, Zhira." She admonished her friend, gentle. "It did take me a great deal of time, yes, but I understand. While understanding can never erase pain, nor make up for lost time, it can allow these moments, the ones I have shared with Sen, the moment I share with you now, to exist without anger or blame."

"You surprise me every day." Zhira shook her head. "I still do not understand how you are doing this. How you are recalling every vivid detail. I understand its reason and its purpose but your…your resilience continues to astound me."

"My resilience." Liara shook her head. "Zhira, I left the room because I trembled at the thought of remembering that moment of doubt, because I questioned sharing Shepard's words with Sen. It is…it is different now, you understand."

"I do." Zhira nodded. "It's not just the Savior of the Galaxy that she is hearing about now…it is the other half of her genetics, the life responsible for creating her own. Perhaps there is more at stake here, and I know what you are thinking and how you are feeling. It is less that you have no wish to revisit those memories, though they are still unpleasant, and more that you want Sen to love Shepard…as much as you did."

"I am struggling now with this story." Liara confided. "Not because I have no wish to relive it, but because I want Sen to know the truth of the woman Shepard was…but it is so very difficult to use words, to attempt to convey to another that someone so revered and loved by history, was very, very broken, but never, not in the least, weak."


End file.
